to know what i know now.

I hope that you see this Brian,
because honestly I can't tell you
to your face.
Because I am a coward.


I am sorry.
I don't regret anything we ever had.
It scares me because I have been in love before, but never like we were. Our love felt so real, so honest and genuine. I fell in love with you so hard and somewhere along the way, something went bad. To be honest, I have no idea what happened. It was a perpetual downfall that I really did try and ignore.
But we hit a point that I couldn't stand and I lied to you. I never cheated on you ever, because it is so wrong and I love you so terribly much. I made a mistake like that in the past and you know how bad I feel about that. We can't really take back the words we say or the actions we do, but if I could I wouldn't have hung up the phone last night screaming "I hate you." I hate that I said that to you because I don't, everything just was so frustrating. I hope you forgive me.

I keep recalling the time when I came over to your house and I was going to spend the night and we were so excited all day. We went for that wonderful walk and went across the street to your old elementary school. You told me all about growing up there with your friends and your smile was so genuine. When we were laying in the grass watching the sunset everything was perfect. I've never felt more in love. It was so dream-like.

Things use to be so wonderful like this.
I don't know what happened between us,
but I am truly sorry.

You are a truly amazing individual.

Love,
Jessica

to have a day out with myself.

i wore baggy clothing.
i said "screw you." to make-up.
& i went out by myself.

i went to the library
& worked on my research paper
and now
finally feel like i know what i'm doing
with it.

last night,
was absolutely wonderful.

i love my new friend, stephanie.
she is so great.

and thanks to facebook
i caught up with an old friend.

things are good.
and i am feeling
a lightness
&
happiness,
that i feel like a lost a while ago.

to hate dumb flirty girls.

i hate myspace & even facebook.
but mostly myspace,
because brian doesn't
use facebook.

i know it's going to be dumb as hell
now that all these dumb girls who
know he's single now are going
to be all flirty with him.
and thinking about that pisses me off
to no end.

gah!
irritating.

to have identity crisis.

stand at hot water
covered in chills
i'm shaking shaking
i'm hollow. more hollow.
and i begin to sob.
a tear tears teeaarrss.
more upon more.
but i am hollow.
i am lost.
and when i wash the strands
i want them to rip and tear out
out a brain
being eaten so slowly.
god it's so slow.
and i can't stop crying.
i scratch away everything.
away the skin, away hurt
away the lost.
and i lay there,
stroked by streams of droplets
and held in the arms
of thin bathtub shelves.

i want to fall apart
piece by piece.

i am hollow.

who am i?

save me.

to discover the book of face.

it's ridiculous.

there is so much too it.

everything pops-up & clicks & updates & flashes...

myspace seems like a grandma in comparison...

oh my.