to find some peace.

it's been nice to be so far away.

i've sort of grown into a mind set
of not having to worry about anything
except myself and the family members
that surround me.

i've felt a closer connection with God.
he's been keeping my mind at rest
so that the things that stray my heart from him
don't distract me.

i hope i can keep this closeness.
it truly does keep me level-headed.


tomorrow i get to fly back home
&
i am so excited.
i get to see all my friends and my other family.

this break is going really well and i hope it continues.

to spend four days in alabama.

it's going to blow,
but i had to do what i had to do.

i read the blog my champion ex-boyfriend
wrote about how i was the cause of his "pain"
and i fucking laughed.

it was such a relief.

lately,
all these weights have felt like they've
been lifting from my shoulders.

i'm feeling better with life,
because i'm just letting things go.
it's not worth it.

the beginning of my senior year was
such a joke,
but now i am feeling alive.

infinite moment,
here i come.

to feel infinite.

i wish i could say that there was one moment,
untainted,
absolutely perfect,
to call a moment i felt infinite.

i keep replaying the quote in my head,
from the reader about memories of happiness
and being happy cannot stay true because
it ended unhappily.

can happiness only stay true if it lasts forever?

although i don't think this,
it's hard to remember the entirety
of the moment of happiness
if it is no longer in that situation.

therefore,
i believe the moment i will feel infinite
will be a time when no matter what
the happiness i have then will
always stay true.

it will come.

to stay happy.

i just can't seem to do it.
my happiness is such a short lived
experience.

is this karma?
what did i do wrong?

i just want to fly away,
now.

to hope for something exceptional.

i've just been thinking over and over in my head
different scenarios of my life.
my future life.

the choices i could make,
the choices after the choices i could or have made,
etc.

maybe i just need to calm down and
live.

i'm not upset with the way my life is going,
but i'm not necessarily content.
it's just my life feels so boring.
so that's why i'm hoping
for something extraordinarily exceptional.
i'm not sure that even makes sense...

there are things i can envision that would be nice,
but i'm willing to take anything at this point.

...something to differ
this
day-to-day drag.