The problem is:

I'm a total puss.

I don't even have to hear someone
tell me a sentimental story;
I just read them
and I get tears in my eyes.

I want to believe there is hope
for everything.

I want to fall back in love
with life.

I want to breathe in every morning
with anticipation
of everything being good,
simply because I am me &
I am alive.

I want to bring everything with me
and experience.

I want nothing more
than that.

Pain, pain, go away. Come again some other day.

Sitting sitting
waiting waiting
What(for) you say/ask?
only he knows.
all that i crave
all i need
is that. just that,
hand
in hand
you'll see it's quite blurry
exactly what (I) live.
for everything, quite;
what for...
quick lips
not waiting.
quick fingers
scribble *my cravings[a letter?]

waiting, waiting;
that just it*.
it's patient arrival.

A blank book.

I recently bought a journal in the Bargain section at Border's.

It's black. Simple.
A journal with no lines.
This doesn't suit me very well.

I have no idea where to begin
with it.

I want to fill it with:
everything and then again nothing.



What shit.

I'm so exhausted.

fucking ignorance.

fuck!

So fucking ignorant.
I wonder if you ever stop and fucking listen to yourself.
You are just an egotistical asshole.

Oh sorry, let me stop and listen to your oh so wondrous ways...

dick.

On a night like this, I could fall in love.

Okay... so I know, I'm already in love.
And the truth is, I think everyone should envy how in love I am.
I have found my soulmate. Lucky me. :]
One time Brian sent me a text message that described everything. It said:

You have no idea how wonderful and infinite you make me feel.

There was more to it, but that part always stood out to me.

Tomorrow are auditions for Christmas Carol...
I'm not nervous... I mean of course I want a part, but so many Drama kids are obsessing over it and I just am not defining my life by a play. I don't see a problem there, right?

Not much today.
I need to start reading House of Leaves again.

Every death has two stories.

I'm tired.
I'm lonely.

Today went the opposite as planned, but it was still good.
I got my Homecoming dress, and I have to say
it's my favorite yet.
I even found all the jewelry for it and it was all on sale.
Huzzah.


I'm so sick of fighting.
With my mom, with Brian, and with myself.

Once again, I find myself slipping into the slump of wondering:
Who am I?
What am I doing?
Is there a point?
Am I worthless?

It's pathetic. I know.

Is this depression,
again?

fiction is the new fiction.

i started reading the house of leaves.

it's rather different, but good.

originally, i was reading danielewski's only revolutions,
but i got it from the library...
so, yeah.

what confused me about this book...
well, any book that is described in such a way
is that,
i don't understand how books can be called sexy.


"Funny, moving, sexy, beautifully told, an elaborate engagement with the shape and meaning of narrative."
-The New York Times Book Review

awkward to me.

A tea for sleeping; A tea for calming.

I've spent the last couple days after school refreshing my hope for the world with the person I hold closest and dearest to my heart:
My soul mate and best friend Brian.
He is my hero and my strength, because he saved my life.
Everyday he brings me hope and makes me smile by simply the thought of him.
Anyway... today was like the fixer of the mediocre day we had yesterday.
And I haven't said it in awhile so:
I never cease to be amazed at the fact that everyday with Brian,
I fall in love with him even more.

bitch rant:
I'm seriously getting sick of all the underclassmen... but I'm sick of complaining.
So... ugh...

happy talk:
Quickly becoming my favorite thing of senior year is the Drama Room.
K-5 is like this sacred area where you couldn't be mean even if you tried. Everyone in that room becomes family and everyone loves everyone. You can talk with anyone an not be afraid.
I wish the whole world was like that.
Hmmm...

we are who we choose to be; who others choose to see.

Being back in school makes me want to shoot myself.
The ignorance, the arrogance, and just all around ridiculous amount of lacking maturity
or even common sense.

As of yesterday, my mother dearest and I are in a fight that she doesn't know about... yet.
One thing about school I do enjoy is the fact that I have quite a few fabulous teachers.
I can talk to them and feel totally comfortable... except for Mr. Mcdowell. I depise him.
Ugh.
But when the issues with my mom started, I talked to Malo and Mr. Carriere and they listened and cared and actually gave me advice.
Teachers are human. ha ha.

I finally got a couple checks today from work...
And now... I'm loaded...
Okay, not totally, but a hell of a lot more than I've had for the past three months.
So, I'm stoked.

I'm very excited to see Brian tomorrow, since I have money. :]

fin.

i put your picture away.
sat down and cried today.



p.s. that's my cat...
i renamed her Takkun,
for my own reasons.