to spend the night with my love.

tuesday night,
wednesday night,
&
thursday night.
i got to spend the night with brian.

wednesday,
we spent the day babysitting sophia,
getting weird looks from people who thought she was our kid (ha ha),
having a rough night (:[ ),
but a good recovery.

thursday,
we endured awkward as hell reunion,
yummy food,
long car rides with good talks,
&
the house to ourselves that night.
we made stuffing & ramen noodles
and played pokemon our ds's. ha ha
afterwards,
we cuddled & got to wake up next to each other.

friday (today),
we attempted to wake up early,
went out black friday shopping,
bought nothing except arby's,
and came back to the house to cuddle
&
play more pokemon!

i am so in love with brian.
he means everything to me.

tonight,
i have my sister's rehearsal dinner,
because she's getting married tomorrow!

the rest of this weekend
is going to be fun i think.

but i miss brian already.

thanksgiving break has been wonderful.

i'm rather dreading going back to school.
wah.

to be liable to change plans.

ugh.

well of course,
break isn't going as planned.

i can't stand being at my mom's house anymore.
i'm sick of staying home all day and then getting yelled at.

i pray to god i don't have any assignments today,
so i can go get my dress hemmed and then book it
to my dad's house.

le sigh.

last night:
brian and i just sat there and talked.
for a good two hours.
he truly is my greatest friend
& i feel so blessed that god has
given me such a truly wonderful
soul mate.

to plan out thanksgiving break.

i love lists. :]]]

i wanted to make
a plan which is always liable to change
for thanksgiving break.

sunday:
church & christmas decorating with bri bri.

monday:
...don't know yet.

tuesday:
ha ha. don't know yet.

wednesday:
spending the day with my little sisters
& brian. :]
brian gets to spend the night. :]

thursday:
thanksgiving reunion.
brian and i have another sleep over!

friday:
black friday shopping!
:]
hanging out with
stephanie,
emily,
& anna. :]
girl night!

last weekend:
tbd.

:]

this break will be wonderful.
full of brian, friends, & family.
<3

to grow older.

every day i am growing older.
every day i want to change.

i had an interesting sixth month anniversary,
but i think overall it was good.

dysfunctional love.
:]

it truly is great.



working today;
i already shot an assignment
of the howell food bank.
i never knew this place existed.
tonight,
i get to take pictures
of a christmas thing in brighton.
it should be fun.

until then,
i have a five hour break,
so i am sitting at home
wearing my beloved's sweatshirt
that smells like him.
:]

to be particularly excited about something.

i had a dream last night that it was today.
i was supposed to hang out with brian, but all of a sudden
my body was acting really weird.
my mom took me to the hospital
and i had to get surgery,
(i don't remember on what though).
all i remember is that i was wearing a hospital gown
& an iv
& one of those things they hook up to you
so that when you go the bathroom
it goes into a bag.
i couldn't control my bladder apparently
and i i didn;t get any service in the hospital
and i was so afraid that brian was upset with me
because i was suppose to hang out with him
and the doctor hadn't taken me in for surgery yet.
i was getting really anxious and then i just laid down
staring out the hospital window thinking about how mad
brian must be because i couldn't get ahold of him.

there was more, but that's the only part i remember.

i hope today is a good day.
i hope it goes by fast,
because i am particularly excited about today.

to go to bed early.

only ten thirty,
i think i'll hit the hay.

i had this super brilliant idea
for brian & i's 6th month,
but of course
it got shot down.

like a bambi during hunting season.
...it actually is hunting season...
weird.

i bought pokemon pearl today.
as if i needed more distractions
from school.

mr. carriere saved me from explosion
today.

i was about to freak out on someone, anyone.
but he came over and sat next to me,
started talking about his brother &
adversity.
seeking the bad for the good.
because without the bad there is no good.

he said i had to find the root.
if i found the root,
i could solve my problem.

so i'm digging...

to never have been apart.

we are labeled again.
but this is not the point.

we are in love.

we are more than a label.

brian was so right,
when he said (in response to "you're my boyfran."):
"i always was."

when you're heart
is so deeply connected with someone else's,
even if you say you are apart,
you are always together.

a six month anniversary
is at the end of this week. :]

to see things change.

things are wonderful.
things are changing.

maybe it's the fear instilled in both of us,
maybe it's the undying love we share for each other.

i personally think that it's the season.

with change of season comes a new level of something.
a "bump" if you will or a test.

but things have to change and therefore,
i see the snow outside as our change.

we are changing as well as the earth,
for the better.

i wish it would have snowed while i was
in chicago yesterday.
it's so beautiful in the winter.

to not fight it.

is it because of the way you frown,

when you are thinking deeply;

is it because the whole hearted laugh you do,

when we make jokes;

is it the way you look at our hands,

when we interdigitate;

is it the way you look in my eyes,

when you know what i know;

is it because of the way you kiss me,

when exchanging "i love you"s;

is it because of the way you'd change even,

when all hope seems lost;

is it the way you brush my hair and cheek,

when we've just finished making love;

is it because even after i've broken your heart,

when you hate everything we ever had,

you still want nothing more than to be with me;

that makes it so damn hard to stay away from you?

if i know anything,

i know this:

brian edward duvall,

you are my stranger,

you are my life saver,

you are my best friend,

you are my lover,

you are my heart,

you are my other half,

you are my hopes & dreams,

you are my one true love,

you are my soulmate.

& i am never going to let you go.

ever.

i am sorry for the mess i've made

and for not believing you.

i am sorry that i was scared

of giving you a chance.

i know we're not perfect,

i know we often fight,

but we have more love than

i even know what to do with.

maybe it's all we got,

but it's all i need;

you're all i need.

response.

make you shiver

make you shake

it's both our hearts

that shatter and break.

i've never felt more sorry,

in my entire life.

i don't know

how to fix things.

everything is confusing.

& all i can say is:

"i'm so sorry."

journal & blog.

writing everyday in my blog is easy.
typing is so much faster than writing.
but writing in a journal,
is so much more personal.
plus,
i always imagined
keeping a journal and having my
grandchildren find it and read
lots of weird & scandalous things
i did during my life.

i guess i will try my hardest to
make it a daily thing.
i'm so bad at that though.

lucky dress.

it's official.

this dress i got yesterday,
is lucky.

irregardless of what happens,
i feel good.

i feel confident in my abilities
as a human being.

this week,
is going to be exciting.
i can just feel it.

sand is over-rated.

as are most things in life.

i took pictures for my uncle's wedding today.
before that,
i spent the day with my mom.
it was her birthday
&
we spent the day shopping
for a dress for me to wear that night (tonight).

i had to get ready really fast,
because i had to leave in a half hour
after we got back.
i have to say
(not to sound conceited)
but i thought i looked really nice.

there's not many times,
i look at myself and think
"beautiful"
but for the first time in a long time,
i actually did.

i wanted you to think i was too.
i had this whole idea plotted in my head,
about showing up at your concert
and surprising you.
you'd see me all dressed up
&
just give me a smile;
then you'd wrap your arms around me
put your forehead to mine and say:
"you're beautiful."
in this moment i would have everything.

but this didn't happen.

i really should stop day dreaming.
it's over-rated.

show me, teach me.

today i felt good.

tonight i felt great.

words can't describe the emotions
he instills in me.

i could never stay away from him.
i could never stop loving him.

i am addicted.
i am in love.

oh me,
oh life.

what do i do?

i hate myself.

...fucking damnit...

why can't everything
just be okay for once?

why do i ruin everything?

fuck.

i can not stop;

listening to:
serpentine
by
chris bathgate.

it is honestly
the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.

where was this when i needed a song
for my who am i? project.

mmm.
so good.

click here to better you life.

& listen to serpentine.

early wednesday morning.

i woke up at five today.

to go to mormon seminar.

it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be.

obama is president.

i'm really glad to be alive for such a

historical election, 

& to actually be cognitively aware

of what's going on.

i'm worried and/or scared,

of things to come.

things changing.

once again,

i have entered a parallel universe,

where i don't feel like me.

i believe it is because i am

without him.

le sigh.

and so it is.

i got accepted to brook's.


today = fuck.

answer:

that this weekend
was good.

but,
i'm missing you.

& the more i think about it
the more i need you to come home
and be with me.

too much rawkstar for one weekend.

:[

come home so i can:
hold you
kiss you
wrestle with you
whoop yo ass in uno
&
tell you how much,
i love you.

today is going to be pretty "blah."
staying home;
i'll catch up on homework.

ugh.

maybe write some poetry.

yeah!