to find some peace.

it's been nice to be so far away.

i've sort of grown into a mind set
of not having to worry about anything
except myself and the family members
that surround me.

i've felt a closer connection with God.
he's been keeping my mind at rest
so that the things that stray my heart from him
don't distract me.

i hope i can keep this closeness.
it truly does keep me level-headed.


tomorrow i get to fly back home
&
i am so excited.
i get to see all my friends and my other family.

this break is going really well and i hope it continues.

to spend four days in alabama.

it's going to blow,
but i had to do what i had to do.

i read the blog my champion ex-boyfriend
wrote about how i was the cause of his "pain"
and i fucking laughed.

it was such a relief.

lately,
all these weights have felt like they've
been lifting from my shoulders.

i'm feeling better with life,
because i'm just letting things go.
it's not worth it.

the beginning of my senior year was
such a joke,
but now i am feeling alive.

infinite moment,
here i come.

to feel infinite.

i wish i could say that there was one moment,
untainted,
absolutely perfect,
to call a moment i felt infinite.

i keep replaying the quote in my head,
from the reader about memories of happiness
and being happy cannot stay true because
it ended unhappily.

can happiness only stay true if it lasts forever?

although i don't think this,
it's hard to remember the entirety
of the moment of happiness
if it is no longer in that situation.

therefore,
i believe the moment i will feel infinite
will be a time when no matter what
the happiness i have then will
always stay true.

it will come.

to stay happy.

i just can't seem to do it.
my happiness is such a short lived
experience.

is this karma?
what did i do wrong?

i just want to fly away,
now.

to hope for something exceptional.

i've just been thinking over and over in my head
different scenarios of my life.
my future life.

the choices i could make,
the choices after the choices i could or have made,
etc.

maybe i just need to calm down and
live.

i'm not upset with the way my life is going,
but i'm not necessarily content.
it's just my life feels so boring.
so that's why i'm hoping
for something extraordinarily exceptional.
i'm not sure that even makes sense...

there are things i can envision that would be nice,
but i'm willing to take anything at this point.

...something to differ
this
day-to-day drag.

to be slightly stress induced.

everything seems so fast paced.
i just need to slow down and collect.

recently,
i have found honest friends
that i can confide in.

it's a nice change.
and nice to be part of
a group of girls again.

to know what i know now.

I hope that you see this Brian,
because honestly I can't tell you
to your face.
Because I am a coward.


I am sorry.
I don't regret anything we ever had.
It scares me because I have been in love before, but never like we were. Our love felt so real, so honest and genuine. I fell in love with you so hard and somewhere along the way, something went bad. To be honest, I have no idea what happened. It was a perpetual downfall that I really did try and ignore.
But we hit a point that I couldn't stand and I lied to you. I never cheated on you ever, because it is so wrong and I love you so terribly much. I made a mistake like that in the past and you know how bad I feel about that. We can't really take back the words we say or the actions we do, but if I could I wouldn't have hung up the phone last night screaming "I hate you." I hate that I said that to you because I don't, everything just was so frustrating. I hope you forgive me.

I keep recalling the time when I came over to your house and I was going to spend the night and we were so excited all day. We went for that wonderful walk and went across the street to your old elementary school. You told me all about growing up there with your friends and your smile was so genuine. When we were laying in the grass watching the sunset everything was perfect. I've never felt more in love. It was so dream-like.

Things use to be so wonderful like this.
I don't know what happened between us,
but I am truly sorry.

You are a truly amazing individual.

Love,
Jessica

to have a day out with myself.

i wore baggy clothing.
i said "screw you." to make-up.
& i went out by myself.

i went to the library
& worked on my research paper
and now
finally feel like i know what i'm doing
with it.

last night,
was absolutely wonderful.

i love my new friend, stephanie.
she is so great.

and thanks to facebook
i caught up with an old friend.

things are good.
and i am feeling
a lightness
&
happiness,
that i feel like a lost a while ago.

to hate dumb flirty girls.

i hate myspace & even facebook.
but mostly myspace,
because brian doesn't
use facebook.

i know it's going to be dumb as hell
now that all these dumb girls who
know he's single now are going
to be all flirty with him.
and thinking about that pisses me off
to no end.

gah!
irritating.

to have identity crisis.

stand at hot water
covered in chills
i'm shaking shaking
i'm hollow. more hollow.
and i begin to sob.
a tear tears teeaarrss.
more upon more.
but i am hollow.
i am lost.
and when i wash the strands
i want them to rip and tear out
out a brain
being eaten so slowly.
god it's so slow.
and i can't stop crying.
i scratch away everything.
away the skin, away hurt
away the lost.
and i lay there,
stroked by streams of droplets
and held in the arms
of thin bathtub shelves.

i want to fall apart
piece by piece.

i am hollow.

who am i?

save me.

to discover the book of face.

it's ridiculous.

there is so much too it.

everything pops-up & clicks & updates & flashes...

myspace seems like a grandma in comparison...

oh my.

to spend the night with my love.

tuesday night,
wednesday night,
&
thursday night.
i got to spend the night with brian.

wednesday,
we spent the day babysitting sophia,
getting weird looks from people who thought she was our kid (ha ha),
having a rough night (:[ ),
but a good recovery.

thursday,
we endured awkward as hell reunion,
yummy food,
long car rides with good talks,
&
the house to ourselves that night.
we made stuffing & ramen noodles
and played pokemon our ds's. ha ha
afterwards,
we cuddled & got to wake up next to each other.

friday (today),
we attempted to wake up early,
went out black friday shopping,
bought nothing except arby's,
and came back to the house to cuddle
&
play more pokemon!

i am so in love with brian.
he means everything to me.

tonight,
i have my sister's rehearsal dinner,
because she's getting married tomorrow!

the rest of this weekend
is going to be fun i think.

but i miss brian already.

thanksgiving break has been wonderful.

i'm rather dreading going back to school.
wah.

to be liable to change plans.

ugh.

well of course,
break isn't going as planned.

i can't stand being at my mom's house anymore.
i'm sick of staying home all day and then getting yelled at.

i pray to god i don't have any assignments today,
so i can go get my dress hemmed and then book it
to my dad's house.

le sigh.

last night:
brian and i just sat there and talked.
for a good two hours.
he truly is my greatest friend
& i feel so blessed that god has
given me such a truly wonderful
soul mate.

to plan out thanksgiving break.

i love lists. :]]]

i wanted to make
a plan which is always liable to change
for thanksgiving break.

sunday:
church & christmas decorating with bri bri.

monday:
...don't know yet.

tuesday:
ha ha. don't know yet.

wednesday:
spending the day with my little sisters
& brian. :]
brian gets to spend the night. :]

thursday:
thanksgiving reunion.
brian and i have another sleep over!

friday:
black friday shopping!
:]
hanging out with
stephanie,
emily,
& anna. :]
girl night!

last weekend:
tbd.

:]

this break will be wonderful.
full of brian, friends, & family.
<3

to grow older.

every day i am growing older.
every day i want to change.

i had an interesting sixth month anniversary,
but i think overall it was good.

dysfunctional love.
:]

it truly is great.



working today;
i already shot an assignment
of the howell food bank.
i never knew this place existed.
tonight,
i get to take pictures
of a christmas thing in brighton.
it should be fun.

until then,
i have a five hour break,
so i am sitting at home
wearing my beloved's sweatshirt
that smells like him.
:]

to be particularly excited about something.

i had a dream last night that it was today.
i was supposed to hang out with brian, but all of a sudden
my body was acting really weird.
my mom took me to the hospital
and i had to get surgery,
(i don't remember on what though).
all i remember is that i was wearing a hospital gown
& an iv
& one of those things they hook up to you
so that when you go the bathroom
it goes into a bag.
i couldn't control my bladder apparently
and i i didn;t get any service in the hospital
and i was so afraid that brian was upset with me
because i was suppose to hang out with him
and the doctor hadn't taken me in for surgery yet.
i was getting really anxious and then i just laid down
staring out the hospital window thinking about how mad
brian must be because i couldn't get ahold of him.

there was more, but that's the only part i remember.

i hope today is a good day.
i hope it goes by fast,
because i am particularly excited about today.

to go to bed early.

only ten thirty,
i think i'll hit the hay.

i had this super brilliant idea
for brian & i's 6th month,
but of course
it got shot down.

like a bambi during hunting season.
...it actually is hunting season...
weird.

i bought pokemon pearl today.
as if i needed more distractions
from school.

mr. carriere saved me from explosion
today.

i was about to freak out on someone, anyone.
but he came over and sat next to me,
started talking about his brother &
adversity.
seeking the bad for the good.
because without the bad there is no good.

he said i had to find the root.
if i found the root,
i could solve my problem.

so i'm digging...

to never have been apart.

we are labeled again.
but this is not the point.

we are in love.

we are more than a label.

brian was so right,
when he said (in response to "you're my boyfran."):
"i always was."

when you're heart
is so deeply connected with someone else's,
even if you say you are apart,
you are always together.

a six month anniversary
is at the end of this week. :]

to see things change.

things are wonderful.
things are changing.

maybe it's the fear instilled in both of us,
maybe it's the undying love we share for each other.

i personally think that it's the season.

with change of season comes a new level of something.
a "bump" if you will or a test.

but things have to change and therefore,
i see the snow outside as our change.

we are changing as well as the earth,
for the better.

i wish it would have snowed while i was
in chicago yesterday.
it's so beautiful in the winter.

to not fight it.

is it because of the way you frown,

when you are thinking deeply;

is it because the whole hearted laugh you do,

when we make jokes;

is it the way you look at our hands,

when we interdigitate;

is it the way you look in my eyes,

when you know what i know;

is it because of the way you kiss me,

when exchanging "i love you"s;

is it because of the way you'd change even,

when all hope seems lost;

is it the way you brush my hair and cheek,

when we've just finished making love;

is it because even after i've broken your heart,

when you hate everything we ever had,

you still want nothing more than to be with me;

that makes it so damn hard to stay away from you?

if i know anything,

i know this:

brian edward duvall,

you are my stranger,

you are my life saver,

you are my best friend,

you are my lover,

you are my heart,

you are my other half,

you are my hopes & dreams,

you are my one true love,

you are my soulmate.

& i am never going to let you go.

ever.

i am sorry for the mess i've made

and for not believing you.

i am sorry that i was scared

of giving you a chance.

i know we're not perfect,

i know we often fight,

but we have more love than

i even know what to do with.

maybe it's all we got,

but it's all i need;

you're all i need.

response.

make you shiver

make you shake

it's both our hearts

that shatter and break.

i've never felt more sorry,

in my entire life.

i don't know

how to fix things.

everything is confusing.

& all i can say is:

"i'm so sorry."

journal & blog.

writing everyday in my blog is easy.
typing is so much faster than writing.
but writing in a journal,
is so much more personal.
plus,
i always imagined
keeping a journal and having my
grandchildren find it and read
lots of weird & scandalous things
i did during my life.

i guess i will try my hardest to
make it a daily thing.
i'm so bad at that though.

lucky dress.

it's official.

this dress i got yesterday,
is lucky.

irregardless of what happens,
i feel good.

i feel confident in my abilities
as a human being.

this week,
is going to be exciting.
i can just feel it.

sand is over-rated.

as are most things in life.

i took pictures for my uncle's wedding today.
before that,
i spent the day with my mom.
it was her birthday
&
we spent the day shopping
for a dress for me to wear that night (tonight).

i had to get ready really fast,
because i had to leave in a half hour
after we got back.
i have to say
(not to sound conceited)
but i thought i looked really nice.

there's not many times,
i look at myself and think
"beautiful"
but for the first time in a long time,
i actually did.

i wanted you to think i was too.
i had this whole idea plotted in my head,
about showing up at your concert
and surprising you.
you'd see me all dressed up
&
just give me a smile;
then you'd wrap your arms around me
put your forehead to mine and say:
"you're beautiful."
in this moment i would have everything.

but this didn't happen.

i really should stop day dreaming.
it's over-rated.

show me, teach me.

today i felt good.

tonight i felt great.

words can't describe the emotions
he instills in me.

i could never stay away from him.
i could never stop loving him.

i am addicted.
i am in love.

oh me,
oh life.

what do i do?

i hate myself.

...fucking damnit...

why can't everything
just be okay for once?

why do i ruin everything?

fuck.

i can not stop;

listening to:
serpentine
by
chris bathgate.

it is honestly
the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.

where was this when i needed a song
for my who am i? project.

mmm.
so good.

click here to better you life.

& listen to serpentine.

early wednesday morning.

i woke up at five today.

to go to mormon seminar.

it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be.

obama is president.

i'm really glad to be alive for such a

historical election, 

& to actually be cognitively aware

of what's going on.

i'm worried and/or scared,

of things to come.

things changing.

once again,

i have entered a parallel universe,

where i don't feel like me.

i believe it is because i am

without him.

le sigh.

and so it is.

i got accepted to brook's.


today = fuck.

answer:

that this weekend
was good.

but,
i'm missing you.

& the more i think about it
the more i need you to come home
and be with me.

too much rawkstar for one weekend.

:[

come home so i can:
hold you
kiss you
wrestle with you
whoop yo ass in uno
&
tell you how much,
i love you.

today is going to be pretty "blah."
staying home;
i'll catch up on homework.

ugh.

maybe write some poetry.

yeah!

hope.

that's all i want right now.

reassurance,
of a purpose.

one phone call.

it's coming soon.

the call that will change my life.

to make everyone happy.

a couple years back when i was still in french,

i was really terrible at memorizing french verbs;

however,

i really loved how for the translations

it would always start with "to";

to learn

to run

to walk

to.... well, you get it.

so what i mean to say is,

i didn't get jack shit out of taking french

for two years,

except an estranged love

for putting "to"

in front of elongated verbs.

anyway,

lately i get the feeling that i'm making a lot

of people in my life unhappy.

not so much friends,

but my family.

my mom is always criticizing me about something,

i have a disability to call my father on a regular basis,

suzy seems to always be upset with my choices 

[once again "family" choice, not other stuff.],

and actually...

mike seems to be the only one being really...

nice(?) about things.

it's really difficult for me to find time for all my:

family, friends, brian, and job.

it's my senior year and

considering i might be moving...

[pending data...]

2349.24 miles away!

holy shit...

anyway,

my point is that it's far.

you bet your fucking bottom dollar.

oh yes.

it was a good day.

took pictures with yuya (chinon cm-3 35mm SLR [if that means anything to you]),
my new addition to my camera family.

cried in front of my humanities class.

got out of my buddhism test, for today at least.

my portrait is really coming along
in drawing.

& most importantly,
brian is the love of my life.
(i already knew this, but everyday his love ceases to amaze me.)

when he holds me and tells me it will be ok,
i don't think i could believe anything more
in my life.

thursday...
e-mail day.

& i really need to call brook's about
my login info...
shit bitch. ha ha.

baby sloth, mama sloth.

i'm not really sure why i'm so jacked about today.

nothing that special.

i get to give my who am i? presentation today in humanities.

i looking foward to that, but i guess i'm really excited to see brian.

:]

i keep thinking about getting to see him

and it gets me all giggly and smiley.

i'm such a dork.

or maybe i'm just terribly in love.

<333

i'm going to with all of the above.

fuck.

i need to blow up.

there are too many emotions
all bottled up that
they're hitting against one another
and not coming out.

fuck everything.

i feel like shit.
inside and out.

i think it's about to come out...

monday.

today started off bad, but it's getting much better.
brian's coming over and we are finishing our love bracelets.
:]

so wonderful.

...night in.

i'm not tired at all.

bored as fuck.

i wish i had something to do.

ugh.

stash premium tea.

...yesterday.

was a really exciting wednesday.
filled with:
cutting my hair all off.
making homemade butternut squash soup.
applying to brook's! (who absolutely loved me!)
and dying my hair...
that part didn't go so well, but that's alright.

today should be a good day.
college night tonight,
but it seems sort of pointless considering i already
applied to grand valley last night...
and they're the only public college i'm applying too.

hm.

another quiet day today.

koans.

yesterday,
i saw a book at border's
that was about self-meditation.
I want it so bad;
and i decided if my paycheck on thursday
includes my mileage,
i'm buying it.
immediately... after i deposit my check...

buddhist-lutheran.

this is my new goal.


today will be boring after school:
showering,
gvsu application,
&
...oh wait, i'm making soup! :]

i just don;t want to fill out the gvsu application.

i want to go to brooke's!
more than anything in the world.

hmph.


koan:
how do you clap with one hand?

breadth.

i'm just tired.
i want to lay around and do nothing.
i want to spend all day in brian's arms,
cooking, baking, taking pictures, and watching new movies on
premium channels that i'll watch even
if they're complete
shit.

i don't want to be in school anymore.

i woke up late today,
but mr. lounds doesn't care if i show up late.
i spend my days in school doing jack shit.
i can't complain.

this year has been so self-enlightening.
i feel like i'm learning everything i really should be learning.



brian and i had such a wonderful day yesterday.
i feel so complete with him.
safe, warm, secure.

sometimes i just know things.
but, i never want this to end.
with all my heart,
i don't want this to end.

to you.

To you,

Medicine.

That is what I want to be for you.

But I can't. I'm sorry.

Medicine,

is what you need.

Don't be afraid to try.

I will always be here for you.

Love,

Me.

everything had changed. everything was strange.

sometimes things in my life are going really smooth.
things in school go okay, friends are good, and my love life secure.

the next thing i know,
shits going crazy:
i'm behind in school.
my friends... meh.
& my love life is a car wreck.

everything is spinning and i just cover my face.
i scream for help and i can't breath.
and suddenly,
everything is silent.
i put my hands down and everything is fine.

but what comes with this light side is strange aftermath.
i'm left feeling worried about how things ended.

i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.

a poem written about me.
i cried.
& now i'm really needing to do homework.

that's what i'm really trying to say.

all apologies.

i guess i'm asking too much.

i guess i'm sorry.

you belong home.

i wish my darling was home.

this place could exist anywhere,
as long as he his in my arms.



i love holding him.
[maybe more than i like him holding me.]

i like to be the safety blanket, sometimes.
most times. tee hee.

my dear, my dear;
be a rockstar,
then come home.

please.

i'm awkward.

and that's okay.

i walk sort of weird,
slightly hunched over.
(i notice this.)

i think of lots of things
constantly;
they're all usually not
significant to anything.

i like small dumb things,
because i'm very
low maintenance.

i'm awkward...
and that's okay.

:)

The problem is:

I'm a total puss.

I don't even have to hear someone
tell me a sentimental story;
I just read them
and I get tears in my eyes.

I want to believe there is hope
for everything.

I want to fall back in love
with life.

I want to breathe in every morning
with anticipation
of everything being good,
simply because I am me &
I am alive.

I want to bring everything with me
and experience.

I want nothing more
than that.

Pain, pain, go away. Come again some other day.

Sitting sitting
waiting waiting
What(for) you say/ask?
only he knows.
all that i crave
all i need
is that. just that,
hand
in hand
you'll see it's quite blurry
exactly what (I) live.
for everything, quite;
what for...
quick lips
not waiting.
quick fingers
scribble *my cravings[a letter?]

waiting, waiting;
that just it*.
it's patient arrival.

A blank book.

I recently bought a journal in the Bargain section at Border's.

It's black. Simple.
A journal with no lines.
This doesn't suit me very well.

I have no idea where to begin
with it.

I want to fill it with:
everything and then again nothing.



What shit.

I'm so exhausted.

fucking ignorance.

fuck!

So fucking ignorant.
I wonder if you ever stop and fucking listen to yourself.
You are just an egotistical asshole.

Oh sorry, let me stop and listen to your oh so wondrous ways...

dick.

On a night like this, I could fall in love.

Okay... so I know, I'm already in love.
And the truth is, I think everyone should envy how in love I am.
I have found my soulmate. Lucky me. :]
One time Brian sent me a text message that described everything. It said:

You have no idea how wonderful and infinite you make me feel.

There was more to it, but that part always stood out to me.

Tomorrow are auditions for Christmas Carol...
I'm not nervous... I mean of course I want a part, but so many Drama kids are obsessing over it and I just am not defining my life by a play. I don't see a problem there, right?

Not much today.
I need to start reading House of Leaves again.

Every death has two stories.

I'm tired.
I'm lonely.

Today went the opposite as planned, but it was still good.
I got my Homecoming dress, and I have to say
it's my favorite yet.
I even found all the jewelry for it and it was all on sale.
Huzzah.


I'm so sick of fighting.
With my mom, with Brian, and with myself.

Once again, I find myself slipping into the slump of wondering:
Who am I?
What am I doing?
Is there a point?
Am I worthless?

It's pathetic. I know.

Is this depression,
again?

fiction is the new fiction.

i started reading the house of leaves.

it's rather different, but good.

originally, i was reading danielewski's only revolutions,
but i got it from the library...
so, yeah.

what confused me about this book...
well, any book that is described in such a way
is that,
i don't understand how books can be called sexy.


"Funny, moving, sexy, beautifully told, an elaborate engagement with the shape and meaning of narrative."
-The New York Times Book Review

awkward to me.

A tea for sleeping; A tea for calming.

I've spent the last couple days after school refreshing my hope for the world with the person I hold closest and dearest to my heart:
My soul mate and best friend Brian.
He is my hero and my strength, because he saved my life.
Everyday he brings me hope and makes me smile by simply the thought of him.
Anyway... today was like the fixer of the mediocre day we had yesterday.
And I haven't said it in awhile so:
I never cease to be amazed at the fact that everyday with Brian,
I fall in love with him even more.

bitch rant:
I'm seriously getting sick of all the underclassmen... but I'm sick of complaining.
So... ugh...

happy talk:
Quickly becoming my favorite thing of senior year is the Drama Room.
K-5 is like this sacred area where you couldn't be mean even if you tried. Everyone in that room becomes family and everyone loves everyone. You can talk with anyone an not be afraid.
I wish the whole world was like that.
Hmmm...

we are who we choose to be; who others choose to see.

Being back in school makes me want to shoot myself.
The ignorance, the arrogance, and just all around ridiculous amount of lacking maturity
or even common sense.

As of yesterday, my mother dearest and I are in a fight that she doesn't know about... yet.
One thing about school I do enjoy is the fact that I have quite a few fabulous teachers.
I can talk to them and feel totally comfortable... except for Mr. Mcdowell. I depise him.
Ugh.
But when the issues with my mom started, I talked to Malo and Mr. Carriere and they listened and cared and actually gave me advice.
Teachers are human. ha ha.

I finally got a couple checks today from work...
And now... I'm loaded...
Okay, not totally, but a hell of a lot more than I've had for the past three months.
So, I'm stoked.

I'm very excited to see Brian tomorrow, since I have money. :]

fin.

i put your picture away.
sat down and cried today.



p.s. that's my cat...
i renamed her Takkun,
for my own reasons.