hope.

that's all i want right now.

reassurance,
of a purpose.

one phone call.

it's coming soon.

the call that will change my life.

to make everyone happy.

a couple years back when i was still in french,

i was really terrible at memorizing french verbs;

however,

i really loved how for the translations

it would always start with "to";

to learn

to run

to walk

to.... well, you get it.

so what i mean to say is,

i didn't get jack shit out of taking french

for two years,

except an estranged love

for putting "to"

in front of elongated verbs.

anyway,

lately i get the feeling that i'm making a lot

of people in my life unhappy.

not so much friends,

but my family.

my mom is always criticizing me about something,

i have a disability to call my father on a regular basis,

suzy seems to always be upset with my choices 

[once again "family" choice, not other stuff.],

and actually...

mike seems to be the only one being really...

nice(?) about things.

it's really difficult for me to find time for all my:

family, friends, brian, and job.

it's my senior year and

considering i might be moving...

[pending data...]

2349.24 miles away!

holy shit...

anyway,

my point is that it's far.

you bet your fucking bottom dollar.

oh yes.

it was a good day.

took pictures with yuya (chinon cm-3 35mm SLR [if that means anything to you]),
my new addition to my camera family.

cried in front of my humanities class.

got out of my buddhism test, for today at least.

my portrait is really coming along
in drawing.

& most importantly,
brian is the love of my life.
(i already knew this, but everyday his love ceases to amaze me.)

when he holds me and tells me it will be ok,
i don't think i could believe anything more
in my life.

thursday...
e-mail day.

& i really need to call brook's about
my login info...
shit bitch. ha ha.

baby sloth, mama sloth.

i'm not really sure why i'm so jacked about today.

nothing that special.

i get to give my who am i? presentation today in humanities.

i looking foward to that, but i guess i'm really excited to see brian.

:]

i keep thinking about getting to see him

and it gets me all giggly and smiley.

i'm such a dork.

or maybe i'm just terribly in love.

<333

i'm going to with all of the above.

fuck.

i need to blow up.

there are too many emotions
all bottled up that
they're hitting against one another
and not coming out.

fuck everything.

i feel like shit.
inside and out.

i think it's about to come out...

monday.

today started off bad, but it's getting much better.
brian's coming over and we are finishing our love bracelets.
:]

so wonderful.

...night in.

i'm not tired at all.

bored as fuck.

i wish i had something to do.

ugh.

stash premium tea.

...yesterday.

was a really exciting wednesday.
filled with:
cutting my hair all off.
making homemade butternut squash soup.
applying to brook's! (who absolutely loved me!)
and dying my hair...
that part didn't go so well, but that's alright.

today should be a good day.
college night tonight,
but it seems sort of pointless considering i already
applied to grand valley last night...
and they're the only public college i'm applying too.

hm.

another quiet day today.

koans.

yesterday,
i saw a book at border's
that was about self-meditation.
I want it so bad;
and i decided if my paycheck on thursday
includes my mileage,
i'm buying it.
immediately... after i deposit my check...

buddhist-lutheran.

this is my new goal.


today will be boring after school:
showering,
gvsu application,
&
...oh wait, i'm making soup! :]

i just don;t want to fill out the gvsu application.

i want to go to brooke's!
more than anything in the world.

hmph.


koan:
how do you clap with one hand?

breadth.

i'm just tired.
i want to lay around and do nothing.
i want to spend all day in brian's arms,
cooking, baking, taking pictures, and watching new movies on
premium channels that i'll watch even
if they're complete
shit.

i don't want to be in school anymore.

i woke up late today,
but mr. lounds doesn't care if i show up late.
i spend my days in school doing jack shit.
i can't complain.

this year has been so self-enlightening.
i feel like i'm learning everything i really should be learning.



brian and i had such a wonderful day yesterday.
i feel so complete with him.
safe, warm, secure.

sometimes i just know things.
but, i never want this to end.
with all my heart,
i don't want this to end.

to you.

To you,

Medicine.

That is what I want to be for you.

But I can't. I'm sorry.

Medicine,

is what you need.

Don't be afraid to try.

I will always be here for you.

Love,

Me.

everything had changed. everything was strange.

sometimes things in my life are going really smooth.
things in school go okay, friends are good, and my love life secure.

the next thing i know,
shits going crazy:
i'm behind in school.
my friends... meh.
& my love life is a car wreck.

everything is spinning and i just cover my face.
i scream for help and i can't breath.
and suddenly,
everything is silent.
i put my hands down and everything is fine.

but what comes with this light side is strange aftermath.
i'm left feeling worried about how things ended.

i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.

a poem written about me.
i cried.
& now i'm really needing to do homework.

that's what i'm really trying to say.

all apologies.

i guess i'm asking too much.

i guess i'm sorry.

you belong home.

i wish my darling was home.

this place could exist anywhere,
as long as he his in my arms.



i love holding him.
[maybe more than i like him holding me.]

i like to be the safety blanket, sometimes.
most times. tee hee.

my dear, my dear;
be a rockstar,
then come home.

please.

i'm awkward.

and that's okay.

i walk sort of weird,
slightly hunched over.
(i notice this.)

i think of lots of things
constantly;
they're all usually not
significant to anything.

i like small dumb things,
because i'm very
low maintenance.

i'm awkward...
and that's okay.

:)