to find some peace.

it's been nice to be so far away.

i've sort of grown into a mind set
of not having to worry about anything
except myself and the family members
that surround me.

i've felt a closer connection with God.
he's been keeping my mind at rest
so that the things that stray my heart from him
don't distract me.

i hope i can keep this closeness.
it truly does keep me level-headed.


tomorrow i get to fly back home
&
i am so excited.
i get to see all my friends and my other family.

this break is going really well and i hope it continues.

to spend four days in alabama.

it's going to blow,
but i had to do what i had to do.

i read the blog my champion ex-boyfriend
wrote about how i was the cause of his "pain"
and i fucking laughed.

it was such a relief.

lately,
all these weights have felt like they've
been lifting from my shoulders.

i'm feeling better with life,
because i'm just letting things go.
it's not worth it.

the beginning of my senior year was
such a joke,
but now i am feeling alive.

infinite moment,
here i come.

to feel infinite.

i wish i could say that there was one moment,
untainted,
absolutely perfect,
to call a moment i felt infinite.

i keep replaying the quote in my head,
from the reader about memories of happiness
and being happy cannot stay true because
it ended unhappily.

can happiness only stay true if it lasts forever?

although i don't think this,
it's hard to remember the entirety
of the moment of happiness
if it is no longer in that situation.

therefore,
i believe the moment i will feel infinite
will be a time when no matter what
the happiness i have then will
always stay true.

it will come.

to stay happy.

i just can't seem to do it.
my happiness is such a short lived
experience.

is this karma?
what did i do wrong?

i just want to fly away,
now.

to hope for something exceptional.

i've just been thinking over and over in my head
different scenarios of my life.
my future life.

the choices i could make,
the choices after the choices i could or have made,
etc.

maybe i just need to calm down and
live.

i'm not upset with the way my life is going,
but i'm not necessarily content.
it's just my life feels so boring.
so that's why i'm hoping
for something extraordinarily exceptional.
i'm not sure that even makes sense...

there are things i can envision that would be nice,
but i'm willing to take anything at this point.

...something to differ
this
day-to-day drag.

to be slightly stress induced.

everything seems so fast paced.
i just need to slow down and collect.

recently,
i have found honest friends
that i can confide in.

it's a nice change.
and nice to be part of
a group of girls again.

to know what i know now.

I hope that you see this Brian,
because honestly I can't tell you
to your face.
Because I am a coward.


I am sorry.
I don't regret anything we ever had.
It scares me because I have been in love before, but never like we were. Our love felt so real, so honest and genuine. I fell in love with you so hard and somewhere along the way, something went bad. To be honest, I have no idea what happened. It was a perpetual downfall that I really did try and ignore.
But we hit a point that I couldn't stand and I lied to you. I never cheated on you ever, because it is so wrong and I love you so terribly much. I made a mistake like that in the past and you know how bad I feel about that. We can't really take back the words we say or the actions we do, but if I could I wouldn't have hung up the phone last night screaming "I hate you." I hate that I said that to you because I don't, everything just was so frustrating. I hope you forgive me.

I keep recalling the time when I came over to your house and I was going to spend the night and we were so excited all day. We went for that wonderful walk and went across the street to your old elementary school. You told me all about growing up there with your friends and your smile was so genuine. When we were laying in the grass watching the sunset everything was perfect. I've never felt more in love. It was so dream-like.

Things use to be so wonderful like this.
I don't know what happened between us,
but I am truly sorry.

You are a truly amazing individual.

Love,
Jessica

to have a day out with myself.

i wore baggy clothing.
i said "screw you." to make-up.
& i went out by myself.

i went to the library
& worked on my research paper
and now
finally feel like i know what i'm doing
with it.

last night,
was absolutely wonderful.

i love my new friend, stephanie.
she is so great.

and thanks to facebook
i caught up with an old friend.

things are good.
and i am feeling
a lightness
&
happiness,
that i feel like a lost a while ago.

to hate dumb flirty girls.

i hate myspace & even facebook.
but mostly myspace,
because brian doesn't
use facebook.

i know it's going to be dumb as hell
now that all these dumb girls who
know he's single now are going
to be all flirty with him.
and thinking about that pisses me off
to no end.

gah!
irritating.

to have identity crisis.

stand at hot water
covered in chills
i'm shaking shaking
i'm hollow. more hollow.
and i begin to sob.
a tear tears teeaarrss.
more upon more.
but i am hollow.
i am lost.
and when i wash the strands
i want them to rip and tear out
out a brain
being eaten so slowly.
god it's so slow.
and i can't stop crying.
i scratch away everything.
away the skin, away hurt
away the lost.
and i lay there,
stroked by streams of droplets
and held in the arms
of thin bathtub shelves.

i want to fall apart
piece by piece.

i am hollow.

who am i?

save me.

to discover the book of face.

it's ridiculous.

there is so much too it.

everything pops-up & clicks & updates & flashes...

myspace seems like a grandma in comparison...

oh my.